Aeons

So I've stumbled upon this little gem and reading through the past has just made me cringe in equal amounts of embarrassment and appreciation. Was I really that apathetic? But then again, some of the things written here make me feel so nostalgic, so lost.

I really haven't written anything in a while. The only times I've ever done was compulsory work for assignments which were always filled with structure and a timbre as unemotional and austere as an empty room housing a single, lone metronome. The old bulky ones with that metal slider. I remember writing with a certain, ambivalent fondness. I always had quite a good grasp of vocabulary but most of the times I hardly knew what I was trying to write. Just a mis-match of things that sound good together so that I could at least pretend I was showing off. When in reality, I didn't even have anything to show off, let alone an audience to show off to. 

Looking back I realised that my hiatus was not without reason. I was off in my university studies, in the real world and not the locked cyberspace where cover charge is equal to hours lost on youtube and a fantasy that can never be true. I don't know if past-me really wanted to crawl into a hole. If she really wanted to run away or if she was just scared of running so she made up excuses. If everything really was all that bad. Looking back, I don't think I'll ever know.

I'm so different now.

Don't you ever think about how things happen and wonder how you could ever have been such a person in the past? Well that's my moment now. Being older and wiser - though not by very much, I think upon my past self and look down at her with a kind of strange, maternal clinging. Some aspect of pity but a selfless, forgiving mercy that bears little resemblance to the apathy I was so contained in. A more acknowledging of how I continued to play victim-somewhat; where I would yell to the hilltops, pretending I had some kind of dank poetic depression hidden inside me that I was capable of unleashing. That 'thing' - that black dog was just never there. I think I just loved the idea of it being present - like a little girl forbidden from a puppy but wishing for it so fervently that I created those posts. Reading back, very angsty they were indeed.

So here's to the new age. 

Here's to less pathetic ramblings and personal grievings. 

Your life is not that bad, nor is mine.  

I apologise for everything I've said in the past but I have to admit, they are quite amusing to read. 

I was so naive.

I don't know if I will continue this quiet, miserable thing. Maybe change it up a little.

No one need know.

and Oh, I've gotten over that kpop stuff.

Gotten over and gotten old.