Yeah, so my family life is so messed up. I'm sorry for neglecting you in this way but today is the breaking point of all my agony and frustration and though I can't really 'let it all go', I can write it down... for therapeutic reasons obviously.
Well, on April the 12th, or 11th... maybe 9th- It was April, early April and the holidays had started to separate Term1 from Term2. My family, having emigrated to Australia from Taiwan, has this annual obligation to return to our home country to visit family and what not- Just in case the oldies die or so they say.
Obviously, the flights are always booked months in advance with money the family doesn't really have but because we're an Asian family, what the elders say: 'I want to fucking see my descendents so that I can fucking yell at them for not getting in Med School before I die!' - goes.
Anyway, because the flights are extremely expensive, my mother thought it'd be a good idea to take a detour to Tokyo because apparently, it costs the same amount even if we didn't go. So, being the cheapskates we are- we went to Tokyo for 6 days. The hotel- if you could even call it a hotel- actually, it was more of a cesspit fit for mice- which we paid rather expensively for, was extremely welcoming and the people- Oh you Tokyians are just so lovely, you. Makes me want to drop another freaking atomic bomb and form maybe a Peace Park in Ueno, so that all of you can learn about the superiority complex you have over other fellow Asians. Fakku you all.
I digress, Tokyo was not enjoyable and it was a complete waste of money. We then flew to Taipei, where the rest of my family was and evereything was fine and dandy until the last day. I love you God... I love you a lot, but why do you have to be such a bitch sometimes.
My aunty, who is only 45 and extremely healthy, suffered a stroke. My mother had to remain behind in Taiwan, while my brother and I flew back to Australia by ourselves. Everyone was so strong in that time and I admire my amazing aunty so so much. Her daughter is only 9 and she keeps such a strong face for everyone. My aunty had to have a brain operation and then a heart operation and as such, her left side suffered terrible compromise. Currently, she is receiving treatment in physio and rehab of her muscles to learn how to do the things we all take for granted.
At the airport while my brother and I arrived in Australia, my dad arrived late to pick us up. We didn't have any money on us and were worried we'd have to live in the airport like Hanks in The Terminal, seeing as it just had been broadcast on TV, a few days prior to our departure. My father stayed behind in Australia because he had to work for the dollars we were spending. I know he hates the job he currently has but he never complains. He works the afternoon shift, from 2pm to 10pm but doesn't actually get home till about 10.30 the earliest. My brother and I usually are in bed before then and so in the time that our mother was away, we could pass weeks without ever seeing dad. Which was good I guess, because everyone was so tired of life.
I had packet noodles for a week and sometimes didn't even bother with lunch.
Money continued to be a bitch and sometimes dad forgot to pay the bills because now that mum wasn't in Australia, she couldn't work and she was the one who paid the bills. We were lucky we still had running water. Our family suffers from the middle class discrimination all other families like us have to endure. We are the ones paying the taxes but always just above the mark to receive the benefits. So we work tirelessly, often in self-apathy and always in shame.
I tried to pray for my aunt as best as I could and sometimes I just gave up and couldn't be bothered. My brother didn't bother either. In that time, we weren't really on good terms. I feel that he's spoiled and never has any pressure to do anything right while I pile the weight of responsibility onto my shoulders like a masochist. He makes me out to be some kind of monster that tortures him and we argue all the time - not friendly banter the Brady Bunch suffices to, but swearing and screaming and the little old lady who lives next door has to listen to it all and I feel awkward talking to her the next day.
None of my friends know this. How can they help. Why would they even want to know. No one fucking cares.
Today, a few minutes ago, I broke down crying. It was after my mum drove dad to the airport to go back to Taiwan. Turns our his sister has breast cancer. He was talking about leaving us kids and going back to look after his family. I felt so betrayed. When he left, it was just my brother and I at home. I cried so hard until I couldn't breathe through my nose, until a scratching itch nestled itself into my throat and until even the teardrops took pity and left my eyes. I felt so empty. I cried cos they couldn't hear. I cried because my dad was leaving again. I hate it when he does that. Ever since I can remember, my dad's never been a part of my life, always in a different country looking after some strange affair, always absent. And to make up for the whole, my mother had to rip herself into two and patch up what was missing and in that, she had to compromise herself. She was too busy trying to make things better that she wasn't a part of my life either.
I don't want to make it sound like I'm complaining but I can't help it. I know I'm better off than the orphans in those developing countries, disabled and begging for food, but somehow, I just want to be selfish and worry about my life.
I just want to sleep and never wake up.
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