Ages

So really, it's been a while... hasn't it?

It's been so long that I can't remember what state of mind I was in when I was last here, typing away my woes - just like this time. It seems like I can always be counted on to faithfully and oh-so loyally to return to this blog when I'm in dire need of counselling... which surprisingly isn't all the time.

So what is it this time? - she'd ask with her pen poised to scribble enigmatically on some ambiguous clipboard. I've decided that the clipboard will be a red, one of those scarlet, burning colours that makes your skin tremble at how closely it resembles the falling of light on blood in a dark night. Yeah, that kind of red.

So I uncross my legs, look down at sweaty palms that aren't really all that sweaty and tell her.

I think my life is fine, but I'm a coward. The problems I am facing shouldn't be that much of an issue but I can't seem to solve them.

Number 1. I've found a job...
It's not one that I particularly like... but I don't really hate it either. I mean, I'm getting paid and all but I'm not enjoying it. See, just like everyone else that's a silent sufferer. Today on my shift, I was told by the manager that I can't talk to my coworkers... Like, seriously. I can't even have a nice chat to the girl that works with me - like, what degree of Nazism is that. And the place I work isn't even that shady - it's a clothes store for crying out loud. I can't even have friends visit me and we can't even have a conversation like that. The job is smothering me and I'm too much of a coward to leave.
And just tonight, maybe at 7-ish - I found that I had two missed calls from them and it already began to make my skin crawl. This is so wrong. So unhealthy. I shouldn't be afraid to answer calls from work. I shouldn't be afraid of talking to my manager. I shouldn't be dreading my next shift.
What am I even afraid of anyway?

Number 2. Friends...
Ever since graduating high school, I (naturally and obviously) don't see my friends as often anymore. Even the people that I'd just say 'Hi' to in the hallways are now absent which is something that shouldn't concern me at all. But being absent, they've really made me think how much I took it all for granted. Do you know how hard it is to organise something where all your friends can't see each other at the one place and one time? It takes so much time, so much effort and limitless communication to get it right - all of the things which I do not have and cannot give. It's perverse really... I want to see them but I can't be bothered. I want to let them know that I care, really, but in all honesty, I really don't that much. I want to know these people and be a part of their lives but how can I do that when I am barely a part of mine?

Number 3. Results...
I've always been a 'results' oriented person. I strive for success by cheating the system, beating it to pulp and running rings around it. So, imagine my despondency when this time round, those tactics which are all I know, can't seem to save me from myself. I keep thinking that I'm not good enough - that I'll never be where they want me to be. The results I got from the test that ultimately defines the future for a highschool student was on the good-side but it's not what I wanted. I wanted something practical and instead, I was given a number. And when I cast it away, I seem ungrateful and condescending - knowing that others would be more appreciative if they were in my shoes. I ask myself all the time whether I am good enough or not and the answer pains me.
Really, I don't know.


I was on the bus to work this morning. I've always been an advocator of greener methods of transportation - not specifically because they benefit the environment, though that's certainly a plus, but because they are slow and primitive and they give our minds time to think.

Walking is the best way, or bicycle riding. The feeling of being carried, of carrying yourself to a place far away and independent. I was on this bus trip that gave me 40 mins of that feeling before the horror set in once I was in view of my workplace, but prior to that, I would think.

I had a strange thought today. Suddenly about the Hail Mary. I can't remember why but upon recitation of the prayer the line 'pray for us sinners now, and at the time of our deaths' stood out to me in one way of another. Looking out the window and pressing closer as the bus turned a round-about, I thought, then the Blessed Virgin would be praying for us every second of the day, because in every living moment we have, a little part of us dies somewhere, somehow.

Maybe it was abused. Maybe it was neglected, or kidnapped by a trapiezing masked villain. But that part of you just vanishes into non-existence and you don't even notice that it's dead.

You don't even realise that the Holy Mother is weeping and chanting for you, because there in you, lies a little corpse that you can never be free of. Rotting and stagnating inside - till it becomes you. And that's when you truly die.

Does this mean that I'm technically counted as 'dead' too?