Another day, why can't I sleep?

Anyone fallen in love recently?

See, this is the topic I thought of today to 'chat' about. You see, I'm not really interested in the topic unless I'm completely shredding it analytically to pieces. Ever since I was four, I think, I've always harboured affectionate feelings to some poor boy who'd have to deal with my obnoxious shyness... if you know what I mean = in staring at them and then blushing when caught and turning away like an idiot. I confess, I was that annoying asian kid who just hid behind vertical cylindricals, stalking the fleshy form of their affections, never having the guts to speak up. I liked all sorts of weird boys but ever since I started high school, I started to pay attention to them less and less.

I've always thought that love was underrated and that the only form of the stuff I needed was the kind that was given unconditionally by parents and sometimes pets (usually when food is involved). Like the sunny season character in 500 Days of Summer, I am quite indifferent to love hearts and romance and I don't believe it my heart having the capacity to jump out of my chest in meeting that special someone. I'm not sure if you do the same but I want to assure you that I'm not the least bit pessimistic about it, despite my complacency.

I'm quite content with my life, with the love I receive and the small amounts that radiate from me on winter nights. I also like how I spread this 'love' onto other things - how I love walking barefoot, drinking tea, painting my toes, stretching in bed... Life's natural highs sort of... (I'll do a post on that later). But I really want to focus, not on my absurd lack of interest for love, but on the fact that I have an ironic penchant for obession, to be a fan of something not in the romantic sense.

You see, I have this 'thing' where I admire people, unromantically and I'm pretty sure it's strange because of my inclination to not really feel anything when a boy gives me flowers, let alone his heart. And I think it's because of my ultimate fear of growing up. I have this phobia... well not really a phobia, but I am so scared, that sometimes I can't sleep thinking that in years to come I'll have responsibility and societal constraints placed on me. I am so scared. Scared shitless, about growing up. I absolutely hate it. Not because I'm aging or that I'll lose my youth, but of all the new experiences that I'll have to have and it just makes my knees buckle; the thought of buying a house, getting a job, losing contact with your family and friends, dying alone. It's all so petty. It makes me want to curl up in foetal position and rock myself into delirium.

And I think thi unromantic admiration makes me stay a kid sort of. Love is growing up, people say and this is sort of the last survival technique that my mind employs so that I can trick myself into staying a kid.

Oh how I wish I could go to Neverland. I'd fall for Peter Pan any day.