The frenzied chaotic look that Pianists stare down upon at their fingers.

Lana Del Rey is just so gorgeous it fucking hurts.

After listening to her song, Ride and Summertime Sadness, there's this overwhelming desire that washes over me craving for escape. And this feeling is once more magnified as I am in the throes of feeling poorly sentimental, like creatures burying water in the sand before the drought, hiding relics under the ground for strangers to tread upon them mercilessly.

I want to run away from it all, but I'm a fucking coward. It will never happen for me.

Where would I go? I'm not dreamer enough, I lack a dreamer's courage - unchained by reality and rational thoughts of money, of possibilities and most of all, of the consequences. As much as I want to run, I have no where to go. No place will take me and so I am trapped. A pathetic weed forever cursed to remain their whole existence in the same unmoving plane of thought, of tangible physicality.

I would love to run.

Pity though,

I'd run out of breath.

Pen down a new MEMO

So I was contemplating how the best of my stuff - stuff as in terms of writing and work, always blurts out of me when it's like this: where I don't have to think too hard or worry too much about how to write it or who will read it. It always sounds the most convincing, the most authentic that I feel almost obliged to continue. It's like I'm sticking a large neon sign up on my forehead that flashes, 'look! no Bullshit here!' while I type because as much as I'd hate to admit it, there's freaking bull everywhere, even in my head, even when I type it down here and hope to god to convince some poor victim otherwise. I imagine it would have just as large a flashing sign, if not more monstrous than the one occupying my head-space reading, just as rambunctiously, 'No, she's fucking lying. There's bullshit everywhere. Watch your step.'

And it's true. Partially. The part that I say I'm lying bit. I don't know where it comes from but lies just slip out of my mouth like it had been impregnated into the damned orifice before I was born and is now just escaping after years and years of abuse. I honestly cannot help it sometimes, it's so strange and sometimes even sounds natural. I read somewhere shady that this flow of superfluous trash is due to my starsign, Gemini. Apparently because I am graced with a horoscope of the twins, I all of a sudden am magically embodied to be a pathological Bull-shit advisor and which is only one of my flamboyant and obnoxious attributes. Apparently, I also like to talk and be 'social' at parties, I'm intelligent, like my books and enjoy long nights drenched in chocolate behind a stereo system blooming the blues and a dozen exotic pets, excluding a toucan, because we all know toucans are overrated.

I've always wanted a toucan...

Actually. no. not really...

See? bullshit everywhere.


Watch your step.

ERROR: Apology DENIED

So I had QCS (sort of like university entrance exams) today and when I came home everything was all a blur. It wasn't even that significant. Then one thing led to another and somehow, I found you again, after a long daydream and inexplicable twists and turns of neglect.

Then all of a sudden, I just thought about books and how I've been meaning to finish reading some but never get to it. I have this massive pile on my bed next to by pillow featuring Nabokov and Schlink - I started reading Thomas Mann's Death in Venice and I'm slowly working my way through Anais Nin's erotica 'Delta of Venus' which is alright I guess.

I wonder what other people are reading. Are they enjoying it or is it out of duty. Are they even reading? I've always wanted to read something that was satisfying but I'm not too sure where I can find something like that. I need something I can cherish and adore - like an idol (*cough* kpop idol *ahdjkadklsajk*)

And then that leads me off a tangent to talking about what I actually - well not really, wanted to say before I was so rudely interrupted by my digression:

That split second before someone smiles - the gorgeous transition before a somber, sober face to the euphoria that is contained within their features, the crinkle of skin as a smile is let loose into the world. I just want to revel in it, to lie and watch it all day. I find it so attractively alluring that I completely melt into the folds of my flesh and buckle at the knees. It's like I suck in a desperate breath every time someone breaks into a cheeky grin. But I'd have to acknowledge it only works with some people. It's that moment that flashes by before they turn from indifferent to happy that I am utterly bound like a hopeless drunk. I contend myself to be quite the purest of hearts and I think this, along with holding hands is the best that humanity has to offer its lovers.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, I have some to show you:

Call me a fangirl - and I am, but these gifs are just gorgeous.

Waaaaaaahhhhhhh... kpop why do you do this to me...

Hey Jude, Don't Make it Bad.

... Hi.


So I'm feeling a little confused and despondent. It's always like this on the day of my birth. Yes. Today is my birthday and I spent the most of the day replying to birthday wishes on my facebook page, wishing me things like 'have a great day' and 'lots of love', but ironically, I think today is when I feel it the least.

A few minutes ago, my parents sang me happy birthday and cut up the cake. I just left them happy in the living room as I walked back to my room barefoot carrying my slippers in my hand. It was like I was bi-polar; smiling at them, grinning like an idiot, to then shedding silent tears onto the dinner table. Somehow, I love my parents for loving me, but sometimes, I just hate my existence. I hate my birthday. It's when I feel the love is most forced.


My brother went out of his way to walk by a supermarket after school to get me a cake. It was a nice chocolate mud cake but a cheap one that smelt of overused baking soda and oil and he beamed with pride as he showed it to me, but it's the only nice thing he's done for me all year. Three petty candles were placed on my cake. I had a sudden urge to immolate all the supermarket brochures lying carelessly on the table and burn the whole house down. Thoughts like these scare myself, but I'm sure it would all be over in a few minutes. The 'family thing' only lasted about 10.


Dad told me to make a wish. I had to say two outloud and the third I kept for myself. In that instant I thought about how stupid wishes were and how I needed THREE of them. Why three? Isn't that a blatant suggestion that the wishes itself are useless - refuting the very purpose of their existence. If I needed three, then the things I'm wishing for are pointless. They should be precious, but they're not. I wanted to cry.

I sat there thinking about what wishes I'd make. The candles burned away and I tapped at the burnt wick with a knife and it fell onto the cake. It swiped the ash off and hope that whoever was lucky enough to receive the contaminated piece would just gorge themselves on my misery and combust so that I'd be free of worry. A gory image appeared in my mind and I blinked it away with melacholic apathy. I remained silent. Dad stood beside me, energetic. 'You made a wish yet?'. 'No'.

I wanted the candles to burn out and melt over the cake so that no one had to eat it and live my dilemma, and so that I didn't have to blow it out and make a wish but then dad kept urging me to make a wish. I hoped that tomorrow would be a fine day. I hoped the day after would be a fine day. I hoped the day after that would be fine also. After I made them I blew out the candle and my heart sank in my chest. I wondered if they were a waste. The sun had better be there waiting for me tomorrow or else I will seriously slit my writst.


I could've hoped for health. For my family to be safe, happy and healthy but oh, no. I fucked that shit up big time. I could've wished for my aunt to get better. I could've wished for a high OP to get into university but you know what. FUCK THAT. FUCK ALL OF IT. I just want to sleep and never wake up. I thought from previous years, they'd understand why I hate my birthday so much. I've always hated it. Always. Ever since they instilled in me the importance of self-sacriffice and money, I've always hated my birthday. It's like I don't deserve to be happy.


Another thing which angers me is the little effort my friends go to make my feel better. I'd much rather them forget than wish me well and be on their way when I go out of my way to buy presents and give them actual, and unforced love. I don't know how this thing works. I hate being 17. I've never even had a birthday party. I'm a fucking selfish little brat. I want to die in a hole. I want to never wake up. I want to put my head in gas and die like Lux Lisbon. I want people to go away. To just go the hell away.

Fukced up.

Yeah, so my family life is so messed up. I'm sorry for neglecting you in this way but today is the breaking point of all my agony and frustration and though I can't really 'let it all go', I can write it down... for therapeutic reasons obviously.

Well, on April the 12th, or 11th... maybe 9th- It was April, early April and the holidays had started to separate Term1 from Term2. My family, having emigrated to Australia from Taiwan, has this annual obligation to return to our home country to visit family and what not- Just in case the oldies die or so they say.

Obviously, the flights are always booked months in advance with money the family doesn't really have but because we're an Asian family, what the elders say: 'I want to fucking see my descendents so that I can fucking yell at them for not getting in Med School before I die!' - goes.

Anyway, because the flights are extremely expensive, my mother thought it'd be a good idea to take a detour to Tokyo because apparently, it costs the same amount even if we didn't go. So, being the cheapskates we are- we went to Tokyo for 6 days. The hotel- if you could even call it a hotel- actually, it was more of a cesspit fit for mice- which we paid rather expensively for, was extremely welcoming and the people- Oh you Tokyians are just so lovely, you. Makes me want to drop another freaking atomic bomb and form maybe a Peace Park in Ueno, so that all of you can learn about the superiority complex you have over other fellow Asians. Fakku you all.

I digress, Tokyo was not enjoyable and it was a complete waste of money. We then flew to Taipei, where the rest of my family was and evereything was fine and dandy until the last day. I love you God... I love you a lot, but why do you have to be such a bitch sometimes.

My aunty, who is only 45 and extremely healthy, suffered a stroke. My mother had to remain behind in Taiwan, while my brother and I flew back to Australia by ourselves. Everyone was so strong in that time and I admire my amazing aunty so so much. Her daughter is only 9 and she keeps such a strong face for everyone. My aunty had to have a brain operation and then a heart operation and as such, her left side suffered terrible compromise. Currently, she is receiving treatment in physio and rehab of her muscles to learn how to do the things we all take for granted.

At the airport while my brother and I arrived in Australia, my dad arrived late to pick us up. We didn't have any money on us and were worried we'd have to live in the airport like Hanks in The Terminal, seeing as it just had been broadcast on TV, a few days prior to our departure. My father stayed behind in Australia because he had to work for the dollars we were spending. I know he hates the job he currently has but he never complains. He works the afternoon shift, from 2pm to 10pm but doesn't actually get home till about 10.30 the earliest. My brother and I usually are in bed before then and so in the time that our mother was away, we could pass weeks without ever seeing dad. Which was good I guess, because everyone was so tired of life.

I had packet noodles for a week and sometimes didn't even bother with lunch.

Money continued to be a bitch and sometimes dad forgot to pay the bills because now that mum wasn't in Australia, she couldn't work and she was the one who paid the bills. We were lucky we still had running water. Our family suffers from the middle class discrimination all other families like us have to endure. We are the ones paying the taxes but always just above the mark to receive the benefits. So we work tirelessly, often in self-apathy and always in shame.

I tried to pray for my aunt as best as I could and sometimes I just gave up and couldn't be bothered. My brother didn't bother either. In that time, we weren't really on good terms. I feel that he's spoiled and never has any pressure to do anything right while I pile the weight of responsibility onto my shoulders like a masochist. He makes me out to be some kind of monster that tortures him and we argue all the time - not friendly banter the Brady Bunch suffices to, but swearing and screaming and the little old lady who lives next door has to listen to it all and I feel awkward talking to her the next day.

None of my friends know this. How can they help. Why would they even want to know. No one fucking cares.

Today, a few minutes ago, I broke down crying. It was after my mum drove dad to the airport to go back to Taiwan. Turns our his sister has breast cancer. He was talking about leaving us kids and going back to look after his family. I felt so betrayed. When he left, it was just my brother and I at home. I cried so hard until I couldn't breathe through my nose, until a scratching itch nestled itself into my throat and until even the teardrops took pity and left my eyes. I felt so empty. I cried cos they couldn't hear. I cried because my dad was leaving again. I hate it when he does that. Ever since I can remember, my dad's never been a part of my life, always in a different country looking after some strange affair, always absent. And to make up for the whole, my mother had to rip herself into two and patch up what was missing and in that, she had to compromise herself. She was too busy trying to make things better that she wasn't a part of my life either.

I don't want to make it sound like I'm complaining but I can't help it. I know I'm better off than the orphans in those developing countries, disabled and begging for food, but somehow, I just want to be selfish and worry about my life.

I just want to sleep and never wake up.

Two Drums and a Cymbal Fall off a Table~

Who here loves cashews...
.
..no?


Who even is here?

*silence*


Okay, -_-'
well, I love cashews. Dad and I went grocery shopping at amazing Aldi and I bought a packed of cashews - on of those packets that have the pressy seal thing where you can re-seal the packet after you've opened it. Amazzzing!

Anyway, so I pretty much spend my days with this packet and chew on cashews...


How was Valentine's Day? I'm sorry I neglected my non-existent readers but I was so indifferent to Valentines Day I forgot to post. Usually, that's one of the more important topics to write about but not for meee. I thought it was adorable that my parents went out for dinner at our local Italian cafe. *sigh* I wish they would do that more. I swear when I get a job, I'll save money just to spoil them. >.> A love house maybe...?

Onto another topic. I was typing up my answers for a compulsory survey for my school and the internet connection just stopped as I finished my whole rant so all my long, deep, answers to the 10 questions just disappeared. I was pissed. I'll do it when I feel less pissed.

So. Time for some nice pictures.

If you haven't noticed yet... I quite like B.A.P

What's your B!?

Stop trying. You will die alone, fat with 69 cats. Oh and maybe a segway...

I stumbled across the most amazing tumblr the other day. I googled 'Korean fashion' and the amazing gem popped up. It's http://korean-fashion.tumblr.com/

And also, try this when you're bored: Henry Matisse's drawing room. You make masterpieces of your own and it plays it back to you. From the Queensland? or Brisbane Gallery of Modern Art. Amaaaazing: http://interactive.qag.qld.gov.au/drawingroom/id/120209_4f3317ba180d0. It's a drawing my friend did - not that I wanted to show you or anything, it's just that i couldn't get the website on its own. Just click 'New Drawing' and you can do a magnus opum of your own.

Mr. Broccoli's Nonsensical Nail Polish

One day Mr. Broccoli went about cleaning his house. He spotted Mrs Broccoli's nail polish along the transparent sill and suddenly wondered why she would have such a thing when broccoli's don't have nails - or fingers for that matter. They have fronds... so he threw it out, into the bin, never to be seen again.


-


Hi Guise :|

^ *sigh* Lee GiKwang....

B2ST FIGHTING!

Take a Bubble Bath

Online shopping will the the topic of this post.

Because of my boredom, I've been window shopping wholesaledress.net or something like that and looking at all the nice clothes there. I've never bought anything online before because you hear all the stories about credit card scams and not getting what you paid for and that's what I;m worried about - also the fact that if its actually a great process, I;m likely to get hooked and buy random shit all over the internet.

I was looking also at k-pop CDs that I can't get in AUS. What a shame. And all the posters and merchandise what-not, that I'm missing out on. TT^TT.

I dunno what the deal is with other people, but the scales are always tipped for me when making a decision that in actual fact, isn't all that difficult anyway.

-sigh-

Now for something more or less light hearted.

ヾ(*・ω・)ノ゜+.゜★ィェィ☆゜+.゜ヾ(・ω・*)ノ

Movies on my to-watch list:
-Megamind
-The art of getting by
-Tangled
-Charlie Bartlett
-Submarine
-Restless
-Dear John

The items of my -window-shopping-spree:





 

I think our relationship is finally at that point where you should learn about my existence.

sdklasjdlasjdlajdjksaldjlasdjslada


Challenge of the day: of the time you read this...?
= I challenge you to listen to Imogen Heap and be blown away. And don't forget Olivia Lufkin. They're both my favourites and so underrated. Love them~ Love them lots and lots.

This is a collab by Olivia and her younger sister Caroline. It took my breath away.

And this AMV - anime music video - is to Imogen's song: The walk. Listen to the lyrics very carefully.

But I really suggest you check her out live, in one of her radio shows or something. There's one really good one were she's on a show with Zach Braff, she makes all her own melodies on the spot. Just amazing.

Whimsical

So, I wanted to do another post for the ones I've been lacking. I know I started a blog and I promised I'd keep up the effort... but so far, I've shot that elephant in the head.

I forget to post things when I say I will and though I know, not many people read it anyway, I just want the satisfaction of achievement and accomplishing something I set out to do.

And ever since I started posting deep stuff, I don't know how to break it to you, but I'm actually quite an optimistic, whimsical person. I do have weird interests - k-pop, being just one of them. I hope to show you more of that after April because that's when I'll be going overseas, and you know how people get with photos and blogging in travel.

I'll post deep stuff, random stuff and things that I assure you are not posted for the sole purpose of wasting your time. I know when I'm on the internet, I get so bored and I just wander aimlessly, checking facebook, googling strange things and going on those funny websites that are just that... funny, but they're so superficial and get lame after a while.

I also want to type up stories and poems. I just want to get it out, not so much for people to read. I want this to be a blog you visit when you're bored. When you have nothing else to do and just want something to look at, or think about. I just want to be there for that. Even if I'm doing this for strangers, or even no-one at all.

Things I like so you know what'll be instore:

• kpop = B2ST, SHINee, SNSD, SuJu, KARA, 2NE1, CNBlue, MBLAQ
• anime and manga = too many to list
• Asian fashion
• abstract concepts
• a nice cup of tea along with a nice cafe feel
• nail art which I cannot possibly imitate because my horrible hand-eye coordination
• cute things
• I'll get back to you when I can think of more.

I might post lots of entries on one day and none on another. Its just when I can't be bothered, I really cbf-ed, but when I do put the effort to do something, I go all out. So prepare for these short bursts of spontaniety.

LOVE,

Yu.

Colour the Girl

When you wake as the sun yawns, you in turn expel you breath into the world and stretch as a steady stream of dark engulfs your presence. Filtering through windows and under-door-cracks, it's imbalance is confusing and negatively dazing; and tendon pulls limb to wipe the hazy mist away from your eyes.

The girl is monotone and she blinks to recapture reality.

In that moment of vertigo, she has coloured the word.

~

It's about that instance of dizziness you feel when you've been laying down, or watching tv for a long time and then suddenly stand or sit up. It's a safe way of getting out of this world, of distorting reality without crumbling your mind. Tricking your senses to believing you're under the influence.

This is all I know, and all I have known. Please,

...don't expect too much.

^-- Then all at one, in an instant witnessed death



Don't you sometimes feel as if that person there, is you?

*taken from the manga 'Shi to Kanojo to Boku', the artist is amazing in portraying the grotesqueness of the unpleasantries of life-

LIFE'S NATURAL HIGHS

• Hearing your favourite song
• Listening to the rain
• Walking barefoot
• Shaking wet hair
• Bubble baths
• Drawing on a moustache
• Fireworks
• Giggling
• Long conversations late at night
• Friends
• Good friends
• Getting a genuine, sincere, compliment
• Falling in love
• Haunted houses
• Fun fairs with fairy floss
• Laughing at an inside joke
• Laughing at yourelf
• Laughing so hard your stomach hurts
• Laughing for absolutely no reason in particular
• Having someone run their fingers through your hair
• Burying yourself into your bedsheets
• Getting completely drenched in the rain
• Sleeping in your own bed after being away
• Crying without consequences
• Speaking a different language
• Knowing the steps to a dance
• Taking a nice photo
• Taking a crazy photo
• Screaming really, really loudly
• Watching horror movies with friends
• Watching horror movies with friends other people can see
• Rollercoasters
• Travelling to an exotic country
• Travelling to a country that doesn't sleep
• Finding the thing you thought you lost
• Getting a discount on something unexpectedly
• Drinking a nice cup of warm liquid
• Bear hugs
• Animals

Meanwhile in my life...

Another day, why can't I sleep?

Anyone fallen in love recently?

See, this is the topic I thought of today to 'chat' about. You see, I'm not really interested in the topic unless I'm completely shredding it analytically to pieces. Ever since I was four, I think, I've always harboured affectionate feelings to some poor boy who'd have to deal with my obnoxious shyness... if you know what I mean = in staring at them and then blushing when caught and turning away like an idiot. I confess, I was that annoying asian kid who just hid behind vertical cylindricals, stalking the fleshy form of their affections, never having the guts to speak up. I liked all sorts of weird boys but ever since I started high school, I started to pay attention to them less and less.

I've always thought that love was underrated and that the only form of the stuff I needed was the kind that was given unconditionally by parents and sometimes pets (usually when food is involved). Like the sunny season character in 500 Days of Summer, I am quite indifferent to love hearts and romance and I don't believe it my heart having the capacity to jump out of my chest in meeting that special someone. I'm not sure if you do the same but I want to assure you that I'm not the least bit pessimistic about it, despite my complacency.

I'm quite content with my life, with the love I receive and the small amounts that radiate from me on winter nights. I also like how I spread this 'love' onto other things - how I love walking barefoot, drinking tea, painting my toes, stretching in bed... Life's natural highs sort of... (I'll do a post on that later). But I really want to focus, not on my absurd lack of interest for love, but on the fact that I have an ironic penchant for obession, to be a fan of something not in the romantic sense.

You see, I have this 'thing' where I admire people, unromantically and I'm pretty sure it's strange because of my inclination to not really feel anything when a boy gives me flowers, let alone his heart. And I think it's because of my ultimate fear of growing up. I have this phobia... well not really a phobia, but I am so scared, that sometimes I can't sleep thinking that in years to come I'll have responsibility and societal constraints placed on me. I am so scared. Scared shitless, about growing up. I absolutely hate it. Not because I'm aging or that I'll lose my youth, but of all the new experiences that I'll have to have and it just makes my knees buckle; the thought of buying a house, getting a job, losing contact with your family and friends, dying alone. It's all so petty. It makes me want to curl up in foetal position and rock myself into delirium.

And I think thi unromantic admiration makes me stay a kid sort of. Love is growing up, people say and this is sort of the last survival technique that my mind employs so that I can trick myself into staying a kid.

Oh how I wish I could go to Neverland. I'd fall for Peter Pan any day.

（●｀・ω・´●）ﾓｷｭ♪

They said I was really desperate to start this so late. 'They' as in the dissectable parts of my conscience and 'late' as in - detailing the fashionable procrastination which has so long kept me from setting up a blog. To be honest with you, I've always wanted one of these things, but I never really understood why. Why would anyone waste hours in creating a reality that innumerates the countless meaningless exploits they've had- or not-had. No one cares really and I get told that so often. People care about things that they shouldn't give attention to and ignore the things which should really be noticed. It's like society's fad with celebrities, (Great, that's a body worth fucking that you'll never have.) and I have completely taken into consideration the possibility that no one will take any interest into what I have to type but it still gives me a perverse satisfaction that I'm going to leave something of mine in the cyberworld and not have to worry about the consequences...

It's like, as a kid, did anyone go apeshit when they saw those floating snow-like, seed things -> *... I don't know how to explain it, but it'd be like a bits of thread joined in the middle to form sort of an asterisk and it'd just float around people, like one of those creepy spirit balls in movies that always guides the character to some hidden dungeon that later explains why they were adopted/or some other massive, cliche climax (oh baby, oh baby >.>). But anyway, I could go crazy when I saw one of these babies whenever I was a kid and try and catch them. I heard somewhere if you caught one, made a wish and then let it go, it'll come true. Bunch of liars I'm surrounded by, I tell you. [When I was six, I wished for a mouse... never got one. Don't ask why anyone- just. Don't. You weren't? O.K. Great.]

So I'd catch it, made some obnoxious wish and then when I let it go, because of all the aggression I put into catching it- squashing bits of it's physiology, it would just sort of collapse on the ground and wouldn't float anymore. As you can guess... I did the whole Darla 'fishie, why won't you swim fiiiishiiiieee' from Finding Nemo, and then when I got over it, I'd just skip off thinking of ice-cream and bubbles.. But it's that feeling I get when I post stuff; I-did-something-completely-inconsequential-today,-I'm-going-to-fold-my-socks-now sort of mentality, and it doesn't feel half bad.

So, more about the title (which is the reason for this post) and less explaining as to why I'm even blogging in the first place:

Deliquesence... has anyone heard of it. Google it. Well, to save you the time, it means =

Definition: the process in which a soluble substance picks up water vapor from the air to fom a solution. In order for deliquescence to occur, the vapor pressure of the water in the air must be greater than the vapor pressure of the saturated solution.

I take chemistry at school and I still didn't even know it existed. I found it through serendipity... oh, that old friend of mine. Actually, where not that close so don't suspect anything.

I used it as the title because in essence in means what I want to do: make something out of seemingly nothing, which no one knows or cares about. Also because it sounds cool. >.>

Enough reading... tell me, what words do you think are cool?

（;≧皿≦）。゜°。ううううぅぅぅ